Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Lost.

That’s how I’m feeling now. Like lost sheep. Unherded. Wallowing around in unchartered swamps without a map. I’ve lost sight of the end. OCS talk mentioned keeping the end in mind, and hence working towards it but I feel.. kinda lost.

What is the end that I have in mind? I don’t even know what I want. What is the motivation? Money? A successful career? A happy home life? A caring spouse? Are these even tangible? Sorry, but I think it’s my turn to ask the question: So, what is the meaning of life? Now, at least I’m not half drunk and suffering from a throbbing hangover-style headache rolling around in bed. Specifically, what is the meaning of MY life. What do I want out of life. What do I have to give? How can I make it better? So many questions, so little answers.

If you’re wondering why I suddenly write all this philo crap. Well.. after walking out of the accountancy academic briefing, all this just hit me. Seeing all the students mixing with the professors, maybe its just cynical of me but the word “suck up” kept emerging in my mind. And then, seeing all the SMU campus guides gather outside the audi for their training. Okay, so I lost my chance to be a part of them. And that just got me thinking. What do I want out of my SMU life? I know I want the double degree. But more than that. What sort of fulfillment do I seek to obtain? Will I be able to find it. School starts in approximately 5 days time. I hope the answers come by then.

Lost. That just describes it all. Upon graduation which path would I want to take? Accountant? Finance sector? Will I be able to become that all-rounder that I always seeked to be but always ending up being envious of others’ achievements, never setting some of my own?

What about friendships? Are the friendships formed in this school transient? Will I still have my old friends to fall back on during unprecedented times? Love? What do I want out of a relationship? Do I love you? Or do I love your companionship? Are we truly compatible or is it the rush you get when you meet someone new and the feeling is fresh and exciting? Will that feeling die off? So many questions, so little answers.

How about family? Will I be able to bridge the gap between myself and my brother after 19 years of living our own, personal, separate lives? When and if we take public transport together now, we still do our own things, seldom engaging in conversation. What did it mean when the fortune teller says that I need his help now, and vice versa in future? Will the relationship improve? How about my mum, can she be able to work after this accident? Who will be the breadwinner? Two schooling kids, one pai kar, one storeman.

My travel plans. Will I get to go to Austria with Chorale, or have they changed their destination to Xiamen, China? How about plans to visit bubu in London? Eric and Val in the US? Going back to Korea? And more of Europe – Switzerland, Austria, Germany? Asia: Thailand and Indonesia, for more dive trips? Will my nose ever stop bleeding? Will it be safe for me to go for further dive trips? To take my advance? Will I live to dive another day?

Will I be able to connect to the internet in International Plaza since I’m sitting in Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf but the wireless network here belongs to Starhub?

Mrs Brightside at 12:13 pm

{xoxo}